tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30234105749855243262024-03-14T02:24:59.585-07:00Affinity Therapy ServicesA blog about psychotherapy, counseling, therapy and mental health. Discussing psychology, human behavior, modern culture and everything in between.
Specializing in discussions on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy).
Especially helpful for individuals and couples looking for mental, emotional behavioral solutions.affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-69136171665444772942018-06-18T11:34:00.000-07:002018-06-18T15:17:19.810-07:00Selfies and the Loss of Self<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Recently people were outraged by a man in Italy who took a picture of himself in front of the mutilated body of a person who had been thrown from a train onto the tracks. Apparently the man had taken a picture of himself in the foreground with a victory symbol.</span><br />
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Not unlike the young man who was laughing while filming dead bodies in the japanese forest, this scene attests to the fact that people are losing their connection to humanity.</div>
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What has replaced care and concern is our narcisstic concern for social validation. More and more, people are turning to the vast audience of the internet for approval, acknowledgement and validation. Because everyone is so concerned with appearing interesting, valuable, funny, they stop seeing life as actual events taking place in real time with real people. Instead they see each event, and every phenomena as tools to boost their social standing and social validation online. </div>
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Essentially, people have become convinced that their value is based on 'likes', 'views' and 'subscribers.'</div>
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If a Rock Opera were written today, unlike the plaintive wail of Tommy to "see me, feel me, touch me, heal me" we would instead be treated to "See me, Like Me, Follow Me, Subscribe Me."</div>
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Additionally, the possiiblity of hitting the jackpot, i.e going viral, has real life rewards. There is much to be gained financially by delivering 100,00 sets of eyeballs to an advertiser on Google. By constantly focussing on gaining followers, people begin to monetize their own lives. </div>
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So this man, photographing himself in front of a mangled human body is simply following the herd mentality that says "You aren't real until people see you and Like you. You arent valid or valuable until you shock us, tickle us, make us sit up and take notice."</div>
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Marshall McLuhan famously stated "the Medium is the Message.' And it's true. The social media takeover has changed the way people view self and others. Others are now merely tools for presenting the Self to the Public. All that matters now, is that the ever expanding tribe of followers subscribes to the Self--a curated experience of Charm, Humor, Shock, Cleverness and a curated image of Happiness and Success.</div>
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Think of our tribal ancestors. Men and women of ancient times did indeed need the group to survive. At those times, it was very important for the tribe to see the individual in a positive light. If an individual was unable to impress the group with his contributions or assistance, he or she might find themselves ostracized. In a very real way, this could be a death sentence as the individual is forced to defend themselves, hunt for themselves and survive without support.</div>
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Even though man is estimated to have been walking the earth for 200,000 years, our brains have not evolved substantially so that they are flexible enough to see that survival issues have been eliminated. We are no longer fending off wild animals, nor hunting (beyond our neighborhood supermarket) for food. We no longer need group approval to try new behaviors or lifestyles.</div>
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WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?</div>
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We can start by gently reminding our friends and ourselves...this moment, this instant--its real. It doesnt need validation. We dont need to show everyone everything. We dont have to insert ourselves into every story, announcement, recording. </div>
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If we arent with the people we want to share with, why arent we spending more time with them? Instead of a constant stream of 'sharing' why dont we commit to more time with people in real time not face time?</div>
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Rather than documenting every phenomenon in the external world, why not share more of our internal life--our thoughts, feelings, interpretations and meaning--above all else, what meaning do we gather out of our experiences?</div>
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Why wait for others to interpret our photographs? Why not express our own thoughts and feelings and create our own meanings? Perhaps someone will object but thats where dialogue begins...</div>
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How often do you find yourself, looking through your phone camera at the Eiffel Tower and not at the actual Tower itself?</div>
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Certainly document your life as you please so that you can share warm memories when your brain stops preserving them. But also recognize that the beauty of life is in its ephemeral, transitory, ever-changing quality. We cannot grasp onto it. Our images of life are only seconds in time and no longer exist outside of the document. In the meantime, the actual life you are living is passing you by.</div>
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Let's stop and smell the roses...before we document the scene.</div>
affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-29099020577517429152018-06-12T00:04:00.002-07:002018-06-12T08:53:21.603-07:00Why Dads Need Your Love this Father's Day--And How to Honor Dad Without Breaking the Bank!<br />
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<b><u>How to Stop Shortchanging Dads on Father's Day</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b> <b><u><br /></u></b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SByhJ7r3Y_g/WxyN7leMUAI/AAAAAAAAAV4/ASiL6ROjOC4YDEwhjwTNJykuZ17r6g68wCEwYBhgL/s1600/Fathers%2Bday%2Bsad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="366" data-original-width="650" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SByhJ7r3Y_g/WxyN7leMUAI/AAAAAAAAAV4/ASiL6ROjOC4YDEwhjwTNJykuZ17r6g68wCEwYBhgL/s320/Fathers%2Bday%2Bsad.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Margaret Mead said fathers are "a biological necessity but a social accident." But is this really true?</div>
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Do fathers really matter at all?<br />
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Today we're going to talk about why <b><i>Dad's Lives Matter</i></b>.<br />
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And as a bonus, <b><i>10 Ways You Can Celebrate Father's Day Without Breaking the Bank!</i></b><br />
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<b>A SPECIAL NOTE TO SINGLE MOMS AND GAY SINGLE OR GAY COUPLED PARENTS:</b><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vygQhf_g4Yg/WxyOEgD_VuI/AAAAAAAAAV4/ZrcQ_ZgPbyUJpkZHbArbWv1WAqj-ltergCEwYBhgL/s1600/lesbianmoms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="293" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vygQhf_g4Yg/WxyOEgD_VuI/AAAAAAAAAV4/ZrcQ_ZgPbyUJpkZHbArbWv1WAqj-ltergCEwYBhgL/s1600/lesbianmoms.jpg" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b> <b><br /></b></div>
<ul>
<li>Do some men abandon their families and disregard their children? Of course, some do.</li>
<li>Does being a single mom guarantee that your child will have serious problems later in life? Not at all. And do many women pull the weight for all those missing fathers? Sure they do.</li>
<li>Can two gay men or two gay women do the job of a heterosexual couple? Research says yes!</li>
</ul>
So when reading this article, certainly I encourage you to allow for all the variations of parenting and couplehood.<br />
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<b>WHY DO FATHERS GET SHORT SHRIFT ON FATHERS DAY?</b><br />
<b><br /></b> Modern culture has not been kind to men and particularly to fathers. Film, television, and various media portray men as ignorant, arrogant, bumbling, fumbling fools or as 'missing in action' --abandoning and unfeeling.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xuk_MK8knUk/WxyQpMbkhuI/AAAAAAAAAWk/azG7tIaC9kQj438O2lNEHDBxrmkYMPMPwCEwYBhgL/s1600/dumb%2Bdad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="400" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xuk_MK8knUk/WxyQpMbkhuI/AAAAAAAAAWk/azG7tIaC9kQj438O2lNEHDBxrmkYMPMPwCEwYBhgL/s320/dumb%2Bdad.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Why do we subscribe to these overgeneralizations? And too, we often see father's as tough guys who are immune to heartache and disappointment.<br />
Let's review a few common beliefs many people share about men:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Dad shouldn't have hurt feelings.</li>
<li>Dads not important</li>
<li>Dad can handle it</li>
<li>Dad doesn't need it</li>
<li>Dad doesn't live with me so he doesn't deserve anything.</li>
<li>Dad doesn't show his feelings to me so he must not have any.</li>
<li>Dad works so much that he doesn't spend enough time with me, which means he doesn't care about me. </li>
</ul>
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And why do Mom's get a comparatively disproportionate amount of attention on Mother's day?<br />
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<ul>
<li>Mom needs it more.</li>
<li>Mom is more emotional</li>
<li>Mom will be more hurt</li>
<li>Mom does more of the caretaking, dad just brings home money</li>
</ul>
But is this true?<br />
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<b>WHO IS REALLY BRINGING HOME THE BACON?</b><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-suYapPWkD5k/WxyOHOAmGKI/AAAAAAAAAV8/1J17SWk6kDEYmlKB1mKh-oT3jqDBL92QwCEwYBhgL/s1600/phone%2Bpapa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="249" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-suYapPWkD5k/WxyOHOAmGKI/AAAAAAAAAV8/1J17SWk6kDEYmlKB1mKh-oT3jqDBL92QwCEwYBhgL/s320/phone%2Bpapa.jpg" width="234" /></a></div>
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The changing economic landscape oftentimes means that Mom is as much a part of the workforce as Dad. Only 25% of couples surveyed had the Dad as the sole breadwinner. That's a major shift from 50 years ago when 50% of couples had Dad as the only one bringing home the bacon.<br />
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<b>HOW MANY FATHERS ARE CARING FOR CHILDREN?</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b><br /></b>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6qyzzEGKNMM/WxyOBxIfs8I/AAAAAAAAAV0/aUnHUiqHxngw7IL_BIj9BhAY_yK-BAjwQCEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Bdaughter%2Bafrican%2Bamerican.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="720" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6qyzzEGKNMM/WxyOBxIfs8I/AAAAAAAAAV0/aUnHUiqHxngw7IL_BIj9BhAY_yK-BAjwQCEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Bdaughter%2Bafrican%2Bamerican.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Let's look at the statistics:<br />
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<ul>
<li>There are an estimated 70.1 million fathers in the USA. </li>
<li>24.7 million of those fathers were part of married-couple families with children younger than 18 in 2013</li>
<li>21% of those fathers were raising three or more children younger than 18 (in married-couple family households).</li>
<li>1 out of 6 or 17% of Custodial Single Parents were men.</li>
</ul>
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<b>FATHERLESS HOMES--SOME RESULTS FOR KIDS:</b><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zMEYodUYVR4/WxyOHXCJ6XI/AAAAAAAAAWE/G5iNw96CycocfclxsAm7yeP4QW4OBy48gCEwYBhgL/s1600/single%2Bmomma%2Bkids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zMEYodUYVR4/WxyOHXCJ6XI/AAAAAAAAAWE/G5iNw96CycocfclxsAm7yeP4QW4OBy48gCEwYBhgL/s320/single%2Bmomma%2Bkids.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The best way to look at the positive effects of Father involvement and engagement is to look at what happens when Fathers go missing.<br />
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24 million children in America (that's 43%) of US children who live without their father [US Department of Census]<br />
Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to be obese, drop out of high school, to use drugs, to attempt suicide, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior, and go to prison than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.<br />
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<b>DADDY'S HOME:</b><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LNjSoDEciiE/WxyOBhzMcNI/AAAAAAAAAWE/xEpS5oNqProj_NyvlC-l30Sfy2wkhB6vwCEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Bdaughter%2Baf%2Bamer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LNjSoDEciiE/WxyOBhzMcNI/AAAAAAAAAWE/xEpS5oNqProj_NyvlC-l30Sfy2wkhB6vwCEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Bdaughter%2Baf%2Bamer.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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When fathers are involved in the lives of their children, especially their education, their children learn more, perform much better in school, and show healthier behavior. Even when fathers don't share a home with their kids, their active involvement can have a lasting and positive impact.<br />
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Research shows that even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem-solving capacity. Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.<br />
They are more empathic, have greater self-control, self-esteem, and pro-social behavior.<br />
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Recent polls show people see fathers' role to be a guide and mentor for morals, and ethics, just as much if not more than the mother.<br />
In general, studies show that father's play with their children more and are more physical but less intimate, more humorous and exciting.<br />
In addition to basic childcare needs (food, clothing, shelter) fathers engagement in their child's emotional, social and educational tasks and goals, provides a strong counterforce against many psychological and social problems for growing children.<br />
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<b>COMBATTING THE MYTH OF THE UNFEELING MALE:</b><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7NDIamH7-b8/WxyN-h_LKkI/AAAAAAAAAV8/ZL__jAygt7wxCtoDfs6nlsSfdE29G8hvQCEwYBhgL/s1600/dad%2Bpushup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="628" data-original-width="1200" height="167" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7NDIamH7-b8/WxyN-h_LKkI/AAAAAAAAAV8/ZL__jAygt7wxCtoDfs6nlsSfdE29G8hvQCEwYBhgL/s320/dad%2Bpushup.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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But do Father's feed into the mythology that men shouldn't have hurt feelings? Or that fathers should not desire any kind of acknowledgment for their paternal investment in their children? In fact, many fathers do care deeply about their children and are doing their best to help those kids lead happy productive lives.<br />
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But men have been inculcated with many of societies rules about male behavior. Here are just a few of those rules:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Men shouldn't care about others opinions, feelings.</li>
<li>Men shouldn't need or want appreciation.</li>
<li>Men shouldn't have hurt feelings.</li>
</ul>
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These examples merely scratch the surface of the rules men must abide by in relation to feeling or displaying emotions. Of course the times they are a' changin, but these myths and societal norms are still slow to transform. Men internalize society's sexist ideals of masculinity. Often males spend a lifetime defending themselves from other men's distorted masculine values and are forced to constantly prove that they're not a girl, not gay, not a sissy, not emotional--all categories that traditionally have been maligned as weak and inadequate.<br />
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So Dad's generally don't make a big deal out of 'being appreciated' or getting family acknowledgment. Despite their external behaviors, however, men do indeed have emotional wants and needs. Men do want to know that their efforts are appreciated.<br />
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Can they live without appreciation? Sure they can. We all need air, food, water, and shelter. We don't 'need' appreciation.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mKZRpN9qhI/WxyN_0n9DMI/AAAAAAAAAV8/Vpanux63NSAlVsSD4imQwntt55DVX6cgQCEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Band%2Bdaughter%2Bsunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="518" data-original-width="1000" height="165" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mKZRpN9qhI/WxyN_0n9DMI/AAAAAAAAAV8/Vpanux63NSAlVsSD4imQwntt55DVX6cgQCEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Band%2Bdaughter%2Bsunset.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Bravery is taking a stand in situations with an unknown outcome. It is brave for men to take a position that their emotions have value. It is brave to express a healthy desire for appreciation.<br />
Pretending to have no desire for acknowledgment or praise is a weak position and does not support true masculinity. Standing up for what you want is, in fact, more masculine than hiding your desire.<br />
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Of course, men don't do everything simply to gain appreciation. Good fathers act out of their heart's desire to protect and nurture their children.<br />
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So this Father's Day, lets help to reinforce that, yes, Men want Love and Appreciation too.<br />
So remember Dad this Father's Day. Make a list of big or little things that Dad has done or said to you. Or simply identify the many little moments when he was simply there, present, available for you.<br />
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Because, whether he says it or not, Dad's want love too...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xySu5GgXdNw/WxyU6lV0fhI/AAAAAAAAAW0/Yvpt1SX5R70aj9rRWc5-mxqVLEVSHUF9gCLcBGAs/s1600/Dad%2Bwith%2B2%2Bsons%2Bkiss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xySu5GgXdNw/WxyU6lV0fhI/AAAAAAAAAW0/Yvpt1SX5R70aj9rRWc5-mxqVLEVSHUF9gCLcBGAs/s320/Dad%2Bwith%2B2%2Bsons%2Bkiss.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><u>10 WAYS TO SHOW DAD YOU LOVE HIM WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK!</u></b><br />
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Don't have a lot of duckets for Dad's Day?<br />
No buckets of Benjamins to spend on your Pops?<br />
Never Fear--there's lots of great--and inexpensive-gifts for Dad that might even touch his heart even more than that new Range Rover he's had his eye on.<br />
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<b>1. Music:</b><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bP1bAksj1R8/Wx9vUXQuI9I/AAAAAAAAAbA/ZtNeGjqSJawc0LUeIZ3fv1lOxB66mI25gCLcBGAs/s1600/dad%2Band%2Bgirl%2Bguitar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="163" data-original-width="310" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bP1bAksj1R8/Wx9vUXQuI9I/AAAAAAAAAbA/ZtNeGjqSJawc0LUeIZ3fv1lOxB66mI25gCLcBGAs/s1600/dad%2Band%2Bgirl%2Bguitar.jpg" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b> <b><span id="goog_829487409"></span><span id="goog_829487410"></span><br /></b>
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<ul>
<li>Does your dad have a favorite song? Arrange family members to sing it to him!</li>
<li>Do you play an instrument? Why not write and play him a song?</li>
</ul>
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<b>2. Arts and Crafts:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eq6AKPTzcj8/Wx9vbazMfEI/AAAAAAAAAbQ/IQGH8RxuS34ea2RoiJNx3FYBEuYC9Z-twCLcBGAs/s1600/Fish%2BFathers%2BDay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="552" data-original-width="736" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eq6AKPTzcj8/Wx9vbazMfEI/AAAAAAAAAbQ/IQGH8RxuS34ea2RoiJNx3FYBEuYC9Z-twCLcBGAs/s320/Fish%2BFathers%2BDay.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Have artistic ability? How about a Homemade Greeting Card with illustrations?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>3. Mysteries, Treasures, and Jackpots:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zRI590aU3CY/Wx9vbvJXAYI/AAAAAAAAAbU/0cvfA351CnkGrMM0sp0fQYmy4FyejKT6ACEwYBhgL/s1600/Lottery%2Bticket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="180" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zRI590aU3CY/Wx9vbvJXAYI/AAAAAAAAAbU/0cvfA351CnkGrMM0sp0fQYmy4FyejKT6ACEwYBhgL/s320/Lottery%2Bticket.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Get Dad to go on a Treasure Hunt in the house to find his gift. Turn it into a fun game.</li>
<li>Create a Secret Mission. Set up a recording in which Dad has to go on a Secret Mission (hints: It might involve meeting Mom in a mysterious supper club). Be Creative! </li>
<li>Lottery Ticket...with a note "We hit the Jackpot with you Dad!"</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b><br /></b> <b>4. Brain Teasers:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WL7z02WYXEk/Wx9vaurXPFI/AAAAAAAAAbE/ZWHWQRzgn8QUqQCuYdr1A9wZc6Y_kvY2gCEwYBhgL/s1600/Dad%2Bcrossword.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="510" data-original-width="510" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WL7z02WYXEk/Wx9vaurXPFI/AAAAAAAAAbE/ZWHWQRzgn8QUqQCuYdr1A9wZc6Y_kvY2gCEwYBhgL/s320/Dad%2Bcrossword.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Create a Crossword Puzzle that is specific to DAD. Put in things only your family would know, private jokes, shared memories, things you appreciate about Dad. Go <a href="http://www.puzzle-maker.com/">www.puzzle-maker.com</a> to create your own Crossword Puzzle for Dad. </li>
</ul>
<b><br /></b> <b><br /></b> <b>5. Creature Comforts:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yY_UpbgR3UI/Wx9van1nuQI/AAAAAAAAAbI/uqIdCOUqG7MOMUmYj9sk804FIgJi5pDlACEwYBhgL/s1600/Dad%2BSlippers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="493" data-original-width="382" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yY_UpbgR3UI/Wx9van1nuQI/AAAAAAAAAbI/uqIdCOUqG7MOMUmYj9sk804FIgJi5pDlACEwYBhgL/s320/Dad%2BSlippers.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b> Dont forget the creature comforts--<br />
<ul>
<li>A pair of cozy, but masculine, house slippers.</li>
<li>A cozy bathrobe he can slip into after a shower.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>6. Pampering:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EeY9X87G-dM/Wx9vcF9cUPI/AAAAAAAAAbs/XgFBk_tmYVs8zHOby8AOrR_sJ8irK8xMwCEwYBhgL/s1600/Massage%2BLion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="700" height="246" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EeY9X87G-dM/Wx9vcF9cUPI/AAAAAAAAAbs/XgFBk_tmYVs8zHOby8AOrR_sJ8irK8xMwCEwYBhgL/s320/Massage%2BLion.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b> Yes, even real men like to be pampered sometimes.<br />
<ul>
<li>Pour Dad a warm bath.</li>
<li>Give Dad a homemade skin treatment or facial.</li>
<li>Give Dad a home manicure--yes many men want clean, attractive nails.</li>
<li>Massage! Whether its a foot massager, a back massager or the classic manual version--your hands, offer Dad a massage for his tired feet, hands or arms, or if you arent too big and he's not too small or fragile, offer to walk on his back. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>8. Food, Glorious Food!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q25Ku38s5Q4/Wx9va7-VFFI/AAAAAAAAAbs/-3wdE3wXMj8PZ9iD_Hw9Fy24slATnoX5ACEwYBhgL/s1600/Breakfast%2Bbed.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q25Ku38s5Q4/Wx9va7-VFFI/AAAAAAAAAbs/-3wdE3wXMj8PZ9iD_Hw9Fy24slATnoX5ACEwYBhgL/s320/Breakfast%2Bbed.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Breakfast in Bed</li>
<li>Create a Dad's Goodie Basket--go to the store and find all of Dads favorite foods and arrange them tastefully in a basket for a surprise on Fathers Day. Beef Jerky, Peanuts, Pistachios, Mini Colognes, Soaps, Razors, Gum and Mints\</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>9. Entertainment:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uy31Nr9L-Ms/Wx9vcLPkXVI/AAAAAAAAAbw/OwvfguIYuf0VdA0iUOzg4FJS8weXpHO2gCEwYBhgL/s1600/dad%2Band%2Bboy%2Bat%2Bbaseball.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="560" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uy31Nr9L-Ms/Wx9vcLPkXVI/AAAAAAAAAbw/OwvfguIYuf0VdA0iUOzg4FJS8weXpHO2gCEwYBhgL/s320/dad%2Band%2Bboy%2Bat%2Bbaseball.jpg" width="311" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Buy tickets to his favorite sporting or entertainment or music event.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>10. Father likes Mother Nature:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oCY7lblwgaI/Wx9wGRHjaOI/AAAAAAAAAb4/P1rA7dPnBaUrk9KeOKsvFY0hrgHNArl8gCLcBGAs/s1600/camping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oCY7lblwgaI/Wx9wGRHjaOI/AAAAAAAAAb4/P1rA7dPnBaUrk9KeOKsvFY0hrgHNArl8gCLcBGAs/s320/camping.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<ul>
<li>If you've already got the equipment, take Dad on a 2 day camping trip.</li>
<li>Or stay in town, take Dad on a hike and a picnic!</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>BONUS!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>11. Attitude of Gratitude:</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hdRDlS5cCU8/Wx9vc6LoH4I/AAAAAAAAAb0/MRTx_MWlVasvrz1wW40g2W3dRLBVuA7cwCEwYBhgL/s1600/grateful.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="1600" height="157" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hdRDlS5cCU8/Wx9vc6LoH4I/AAAAAAAAAb0/MRTx_MWlVasvrz1wW40g2W3dRLBVuA7cwCEwYBhgL/s320/grateful.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Make Dad a Gratitude List</li>
<li>Homemade Trophy or Medallion "World's Greatest Dad</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Have a special 'Parents Day'!</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-79804781039726112702018-06-11T14:24:00.001-07:002018-06-16T17:57:13.997-07:00Father's Day--A Guide for Single Mothers<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Father's Day--A Guide for Single Mothers</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Yes, its Father's Day once again.<br />
<br />
But what if you're a Single Mom and Dad is not in your child's life?<br />
Or Dad is just not taking enough parental responsibility?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yfRkqYVK--w/Wx7ghwlLq_I/AAAAAAAAAYQ/Xe-H9mIHvw85w1phP5QEFVhbmqUdJO57wCEwYBhgL/s1600/divorce%2Btree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="387" data-original-width="620" height="199" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yfRkqYVK--w/Wx7ghwlLq_I/AAAAAAAAAYQ/Xe-H9mIHvw85w1phP5QEFVhbmqUdJO57wCEwYBhgL/s320/divorce%2Btree.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
How do you get through Father's Day?<br />
And how do you help your child get through Father's Day?<br />
<br />
Your child could be 4 or 40 but no matter what their age, they may still need your maternal guidance and support on this holiday celebrating paternal love.<br />
<br />
Let's look at some of the issues that some single mothers may encounter when going through Father's Day with or without their mutual child.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><br /></u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>NO TWO SINGLE MOMS ARE ALIKE:</u></b></div>
<br />
Do kid's with 2 mom's suffer because there is no 'male' in the home? Research doesn't support this notion.<br />
Does every single mother have problems because it's Father's Day? Absolutely not.<br />
This article is simply available to those mom's who are struggling or have kids who are struggling with Father's Day.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Wanting to Protect Your Child:</b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
If you are living with your child and they are spending Father's Day with you, there may be multiple thoughts and feelings:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My child should not be sad today.</li>
<li>My child should not have any positive fantasies about their father, the deadbeat.</li>
<li>My child should understand that I am their primary provider--it is I who should be honored today for being both mother and father.</li>
<li>My child must not suffer or feel bad about themselves.</li>
<li>My child must not be exposed to messages about Father's Day.</li>
<li>My child must not be angry at their father.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>When A Father Has Died:</b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xo6aBw1ITVY/Wx7ginOYuqI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/g9NI15H3v_cbUU8ScDf9QaDJDG9O-oRNQCEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Bgrave.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xo6aBw1ITVY/Wx7ginOYuqI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/g9NI15H3v_cbUU8ScDf9QaDJDG9O-oRNQCEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Bgrave.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
If your child's father has died, you have the added burden of explaining the essential unfairness of life to your child and hoping they can learn to accept this truth.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Dealing With Being a Single Mom on Father's Day:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jEM9yF6XjUk/Wx7gk6rEj6I/AAAAAAAAAZ4/Rf0kXUdFrtkFV0NPIQJvSmPp-yF55IVrACEwYBhgL/s1600/mom%2Bpensive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1600" height="160" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jEM9yF6XjUk/Wx7gk6rEj6I/AAAAAAAAAZ4/Rf0kXUdFrtkFV0NPIQJvSmPp-yF55IVrACEwYBhgL/s320/mom%2Bpensive.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
You may also have thoughts about yourself and your own situation on Father's Day:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>He shouldn't have left me with this responsibility.</li>
<li>He shouldn't get to have such a free life while I take on the majority of child-rearing tasks.</li>
<li>He shouldn't be such a deadbeat dad</li>
<li>He should have been a better mate.</li>
<li>The world shouldn't have been so unfair to me, leaving me as a single mother with my children.</li>
<li>I should be a better mother, I shouldn't have picked such a terrible man with which to have my children.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Dealing with the 'Sometimes Dad'</b></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X5t-nx7vD4U/Wx7giHejeYI/AAAAAAAAAZw/-6HYHwOySL0QmAjUUXpA0aCKiD8xiZOpQCEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Bcrazy%2Bwith%2Bgirls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="880" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X5t-nx7vD4U/Wx7giHejeYI/AAAAAAAAAZw/-6HYHwOySL0QmAjUUXpA0aCKiD8xiZOpQCEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Bcrazy%2Bwith%2Bgirls.jpg" width="218" /></a></div>
<br />
But what if dad IS in your child's life--sometimes? What if he isn't really carrying his weight, contributing fairly or doing the day to day work of parenting? And what if dad DOES show up for Father's Day and whisks the kids away for a special Father's Day?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YY-gGLlR4T8/Wx7giRBAQJI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/0EPImXErDlQZHXnbYgz_dh6J9PtN0ScOACEwYBhgL/s1600/father%2Bdaughter%2Bfun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="750" height="192" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YY-gGLlR4T8/Wx7giRBAQJI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/0EPImXErDlQZHXnbYgz_dh6J9PtN0ScOACEwYBhgL/s320/father%2Bdaughter%2Bfun.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Where does this leave you on that 'special day' in June?<br />
You may be lost in different kinds of thoughts such as:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Why do my kids want to spend time with him when I do the majority of the child rearing?</li>
<li>Why does this deadbeat get to enjoy his children without taking his responsibilities seriously?</li>
<li>My kids should know how much more I do for them and how little he does for them.</li>
<li>My kids should know how cruel, evil, terrible their father has been to me.</li>
<li>My kids should not like their father more than they like me since I'm the one who cares more.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
Additionally, you may do the 'double-shaming' of getting angry or upset with yourself for being angry or upset, commanding yourself with thoughts like "You shouldn't be so upset" and "You shouldn't be thinking irrationally."<br />
<br />
In my daily work as a licensed psychotherapist, I work with both married, separated and divorced couples as well as separated domestic partners. I work with straight, gay and open relationship unions.<br />
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After a relationship with children divorces or terminates, there is often residue. After all, we are talking about two people who, at one time, believed they would spend a lifetime together and only separate upon one or the other's death in old age.<br />
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And yet, here they are dreams crushed, hopes for the relationship dashed--whether through infidelity, abuse, neglect or simply having grown apart. And yet...and yet...they cannot completely separate because they now share a lifelong passion project together--the raising of their progeny, their offspring, their children.<br />
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And whether through reasoned discussion and informal agreement or after long, drawn out, acrimonious divorce proceedings they come to an understanding, ideally they work together for the future welfare of their children.<br />
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<b>When Dad Doesnt' Come Through:</b></div>
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But...sometimes life doesn't go as planned.<br />
Perhaps dad's priorities have shifted, or perhaps dad never had his priorities in the right place, to begin with. Either way, dad isn't pulling his weight, he's not keeping to the terms of the agreement.<br />
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Or dad is keeping to the terms of the agreement but mom still is holding resentments for the way dad behaved during the marriage--whether it's profligate spending, carousing with the boys, illicit affairs or just simple romantic neglect--mom cannot let go of the wrongs he has committed.<br />
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Or worse still, dad was emotionally or physically abusive towards mom and never made amends for his bad behavior. In fact, he still has difficulty managing his anger towards mom and cannot have a civil conversation with her.<br />
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As a witness to multiple scenarios in which one person indeed carries the heavier load, I want to validate that yes, often you do deal with the father's bad behavior, and that life is not being fair to you or your child.<br />
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<b>So Mom, how do you cope?</b></div>
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Here's how:<br />
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You start by listing all of the commands, demands, shoulds, musts, ought-to's, got-to's need-to's, and the awfuls, terribles, unacceptables type thoughts going through your brain.<br />
I've listed many of them above but you may have a few originals of your own.<br />
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Here's the thing--by identifying and WRITING DOWN your command, demands, shoulds and musts you can begin to see some of the thoughts that make you angry, sad, depressed, scared and just feeling plain rotten about life.<br />
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Once you have identified these thoughts, it's important to take a breath and then start to ask a very elemental question about each and every one of these thoughts.<br />
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The question you are better off asking is 'WHY?'<br />
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As in:<br />
Why must he be less of a deadbeat than he is?<br />
Why must my child not feel sad?<br />
Why must life have been fairer to me?<br />
Why should I have never married that man?<br />
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<b><b>The Difference Between Preferences and Command-like Demands:</b></b></div>
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Note--we are not asking the question 'would it have been better if he wasn't a deadbeat?'<br />
We are not asking 'wouldn't it be better if my child wasn't sad today?'<br />
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No, we are asking why these things MUST be changed, why these situations are MANDATED and COMMANDED to be different than they actually are.<br />
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Of course, the rational response to this query would be that in fact 'nothing is mandated, nothing is commanded, nothing is required. In fact, my ex has the freedom (within the limits of the law) to behave very poorly. My child, while I wish they were happy, has the freedom to feel sad today. My life, which may, in fact, be unfair right now is actually the way it is right now. I can work towards changing it but the fact is, yes, it's unfair. So what? Life is often unfair. The sooner I get used to that, the more likely it is that I will take action to change it or find a way to live with the imbalance.<br />
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So you see that the way to minimize your suffering as a single parent is to find the rational response to irrational mental/emotional demands.<br />
Our brain makes constant irrational demands and commands. It makes these dictator-like mandates because it believes that by commanding things to be different, it will help us to survive.<br />
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But thoughts are essentially untested theories about reality.<br />
Certainly, you've had a situation where someone didn't call or text you when you believed they should. Do you remember how your mind created theories/thoughts about the reason people didn't call you? And then later you found out your thoughts were misguided, distorted?<br />
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In the same way, we have both rational and irrational thoughts competing for our attention. When we listen to the irrational thoughts, terrible upset feelings follow. Because irrational thoughts are untested theories about how life SHOULD be, how people OUGHT TO behave and how I MUST be different than I am.<br />
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<b>Rating the Self and Rating Others:</b></div>
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These command thoughts are also often tied to self-rating and another rating. When we rate ourselves we are essentially saying "I will love and accept myself only when I do certain things. I will accept other people only when they do or say certain things." As a result, we put ourselves on a Validation see-saw, regularly swinging up and down in our assessment of our own value. This feels great when you go up on the see-saw--you have done your list of to-dos and you say to yourself "wow, I'm really a great human being!" But woe unto her who hits the downswing on the see saw. That woman will then tell herself "I didnt do what I wanted to do, I didnt achieve what I wanted to achieve and therefore I am a lowly, low rated worm. I dont deserve to exist, let alone be accepted."<br />
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Rational thoughts, on the other hand, present who I am, how others and the world are, and look for ways to either change these situations or adapt to them based on realistic assessment of probabilities.<br />
So a Rational thought might be "I wish the kids knew how badly their father mistreated me but I can live with them not knowing until they are older. They dont have to hate their father and they dont have to show me the appreciation I think I deserve. I would like it very much and I can remind them of the things I do for them but I cannot control their thoughts and emotions.<br />
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So once you have made a counterargument for your musts and shoulds, your commands and demands, your 'its awful' and 'its terrible', you are ready to come up with a more realistic, rational, logical thought that is adaptive and flexible.<br />
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"I wish I hadnt married him, but I did marry him so there's no rewriting history. I'll have to accept myself with all my poor choices and move on."<br />
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If you have identified the thoughts that lead you to upset, usually irrational and illogical demands) and you have made a strong counterargument and effective new rational statements, you will most likely feel a significant reduction in the feelings of upset and be able to rationally come up with goals for change and thoughts of self acceptance and other-acceptance.<br />
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Once you have established USA--Unconditional Self Acceptance--its time to get to work on what you CAN DO, what you can affect, what you can change.<br />
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<b>Here are a few things you can do for your child on Fathers day</b><br />
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1. Make sure that your child's school is inclusive in it's Father's Day messaging.<br />
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Talk to your child's teacher and identify if they are mandating any kind of Father's Day arts and crafts or homemade greeting cards. Offer them an alternative message for kids who arent able to celebrate Father's Day, such as Friends of Mom's Day or "Parents Day."<br />
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2. How about a Friends Of Mom's Day at home?<br />
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Invite a male friend who can spend the day with you and your child in various fun activities.<br />
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3. Grandfather's and Uncles Day:<br />
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If Grandfather or Uncles are around, why not bring the child and these warm-blooded males together for a special day?<br />
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4. Favorite Male Teacher's Day:<br />
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Why not help your child create a card honoring his favorite male teacher and expressing gratitude for his guidance?<br />
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5. Allow for Expression of Thoughts and Feelings.<br />
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Don't insist that your child 'get over it' or 'move on' from their emotional reactions. Do provide supportive reflection, which is simply restating their thoughts or feelings in a compassionate way.<br />
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Wishing you all a warm and wonderful 'Parent's Day!"<br />
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<br />affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-65659662041369708952018-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:002018-05-25T10:39:41.552-07:00HELP! I THINK I HAVE A PHOBIA! Phobias, Fears and How to Treat Them.<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
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<b>HELP! I THINK I HAVE A PHOBIA!</b></div>
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<li>What is the difference between a fear and a phobia? </li>
<li>How does having a phobia affect a person? </li>
<li>What are some signs of a phobia? </li>
<li>How can phobias be treated?</li>
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<b>THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FEAR AND A PHOBIA:</b></div>
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Walking down a poorly lit street at night and seeing a shadowy figure yelling angrily and swinging a baseball bat may engender fear--its realistic that this person could do damage.<br />
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If for 6 months after this event, whenever you see a child in a baseball uniform practicing his swing you consistently become overwhelmed with fear, anticipation that someone will be hurt and strong avoidance of that child, of bats or of baseball, you may have a phobia. </div>
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Fear can be realistic or unrealistic and is usually experienced at the time of exposure to the feared situation, person or thing. However, fears may not be at the level of a Phobia.</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">If I have a fear that a bridge I'm driving on might collapse due to high winds I'm experiencing, I may be able to reason with myself and realistically assess my fear, calming myself and driving across.</span></div>
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If instead of a fear, I have a phobia of bridges collapsing I may turn around before reaching a bridge, I may find myself short of breath, and I may avoid crossing bridges completely.<br />
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<b>THE ELEMENTS OF PHOBIA:</b></div>
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Phobias involve several elements including fear, anxiety and/or avoidance. </div>
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Fear can happen sometimes. Phobias remain consistent over time. </div>
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Normal or typical fear can be intense or mild. Phobias are generally always intense.</div>
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Fear may be based on real danger. Phobia is a fear that is out of proportion with real or perceived danger. </div>
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Fear can be temporary. Phobias are considered to last 6 months or longer.</div>
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Fear may or may not interfere with social life, job, school or other areas of life.</div>
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Phobias can cause serious upset and poor functioning in these same domains of living.</div>
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<b>HOW DO PEOPLE REACT WHEN THEY ARE 'PHOBIC'?</b><br />
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There are 3 common way people handle phobias:</div>
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1. by completely avoiding situations, people places and things related to the phobia</div>
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2. by becoming frightened near or around the specific situation or thing.</div>
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3. by becoming anxious--anticipating the future experience of the situation, person, place or thing and obsessively thinking about the negative possibilities.</div>
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<b>THE PROBLEM WITH AVOIDANCE:</b></div>
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The problem with the Avoidance strategy is this--it has some limited benefit.<br />
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If you have a fear of dogs and because of your fear, you never step out of your home, well, yes, you never do get bitten by a dog.<br />
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You also never experience sunshine, picnics, walks with friends, vacations and so on. In essence, you have closed off a huge portion of life experience.</div>
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But the brain registers this as a partial win--you never get bitten by a dog.</div>
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The reason people come to therapy with phobias is that they realize that there is also a big loss--a loss of life experience.</div>
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<b>HOW COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY (CBT) CAN HELP:</b></div>
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In my experience, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT is the best method for treating phobias. CBT includes Exposure Therapy--a slow, methodical exposure to the feared person, place, thing or situation that is causing fear, panic, anxiety, and avoidance. Like dipping your foot into an ice cold pool, the therapist assists the patient in acclimating slowly and methodically. As the patient's anxiety increases, the therapist helps the patient with behavioral and cognitive processes--deep breathing, realistic self-talk-for example:<br />
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'Look, I'm looking at a picture of a dog and I'm still ok.'</div>
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'It's ok to have some fear, I don't have to be 100% calm.'<br />
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Even patients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are sometimes given Exposure therapy--they go back to the war zone (after the war is over) and have a different experience, through exposure, of the feared situation, person, place, or thing.</div>
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<b>EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE</b></div>
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Exposure therapy can move from looking at photos or videos of the feared person,place, thing or situation and move all the way to actual contact with those things. In some situations, therapists are finding great success with Virtual Reality exposure. For example, fear of flying or great heights.<br />
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With careful planning and implementation, the individual epxeriencing a phobia can overcome that phobia through systematic exposure therapy. </div>
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<b>SOCIAL PHOBIA--SHYNESS X 10</b></div>
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A person with Social Phobia or 'Social Anxiety' is someone with an overwhelming debilitating amount of 'shyness.'</div>
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They often have fear and anxiety about being embarrassed, being humiliated, looking stupid, being rejected. They also have anxiety about their own condition including fears of sweating, looking fearful, being tongue-tied, feeling awkward.</div>
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They may also have a running dialogue in their mind, telling themselves things like:</div>
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"I will fail miserably in this social encounter and I can't allow that"</div>
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"I must never be awkward."</div>
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"People must like me or else its intolerable"</div>
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"I cannot have sweaty hands."</div>
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"I must always have something smart and clever to say."</div>
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"People must never reject me."</div>
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"I cannot and must not look stupid."<br />
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A caring, competent CBT based therapist can help the client with Social Phobia to identify and confront these distorted thoughts and cognitive demands. They can teach the client to see these thoughts as 'theories about reality' and not necessarily reality itself. The client can then increase their behavioral experimentation, allowing themselves to be in mildly uncomfortable and then more socially uncomfortable situations, increasing their comfort level and challenging their own erroneous thinking.<br />
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As clients dis-identify with their distorted thoughts about possible and impossible, acceptable and unacceptable, they move beyond their previous emotional and behavioral limitations to explore new possibilities for life.<br />
Through methodical planning and careful exposure, patients with phobias can and DO GET BETTER!<br />
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Exposure therapy works!</div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">© 2018 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://www.affinitytherapyservices.com/">www.affinitytherapyservices.com</a> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="mailto:info@affinitytherapyservices.com">info@affinitytherapyservices.com</a> </span></div>
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affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-16806041061414677982018-05-11T11:29:00.000-07:002018-06-01T20:25:49.589-07:00HOW TO LIVE YOUR SEX AND LOVE VALUES ON A DAILY BASIS<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">HOW TO LIVE YOUR SEX AND LOVE VALUES ON A DAILY BASIS</span></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>DISTINGUISHING GOALS FROM VALUES:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">When discussing Love and Sex, it's important in life to distinguish GOALS from VALUES.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">You might have a VALUE to 'protect the family.' One way to achieve that VALUE might be the GOAL of owning a home. If you own a home but you are away from your family and careless of their whereabouts does home ownership achieve the VALUE of 'protecting the family?' </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Similarly, you may have a GOAL of getting married but find that your deeper VALUE 'loving/connecting' is not achieved in your marriage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Often, therefore, achieving GOALS isn’t always fulfilling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The GOAL isn’t the VALUE. The GOAL is an event or an ‘end state' that can be checked off on a TO DO list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The VALUE is the QUALITY of behavior and interactions you want to experience, in yourself and in others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Goals are specific, Values are generalizable. A goal can only be one thing. A Value can be expressed in multiple ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I recently had a client (name changed here to protect their identity) who was dealing with the frustrations of being newly single in his 50's. Let's call him Bob. Bob is a relative success in many areas of his life but after a late in life divorce, found himself back on the dating scene. Bob and I have been working together to help him remain pro-active and optimistic in the face of an admittedly challenging situation. He still has a healthy sexual desire and yet because he is now mature and looking forward to potentially another 30 years of active living, wants to be careful not to make mistakes in his love life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Of course, we've worked on multiple areas including: Noticing negative thoughts, increased self-acceptance, and compassion toward self, staying mindful of the present moment and savoring the positive elements in his daily life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">In addition, however, Bob had a healthy dose of "I'm single, ready to mingle--let's get it on!' post-1960's free love attitude. Well, not everyone shares that free-wheeling, anything goes, get-down-tonight, boogie down thought process. <o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: 18px;">Bob and I had to work together to both pursue his love and sex goals while acknowledging both that he might encounter real-life frustrations to those goals and that he might additionally be seeking something a bit deeper than 'get down tonight.'</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">Bob did acknowledge his wish for something meaningful but still insisted that he could not be truly happy until he fulfilled his "perfectly natural desire for sex."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">Naturally, this led Bob to feel quite unhappy in the present moment. He had difficulty seeing the value of his present life without achieving his love and sex goals. Bob believed that ONLY when he was able to have sexual intimacy with a desired partner would he be able to experience true happiness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">While acknowledging that Bob might be happier when he found a desirable sexual partner that it would bring him pleasure, I worked with him to deal with the frustration of not achieving sexual goals and while emphasizing actively WORKING TOWARDS those goals. I helped Bob to recognize that he could also LIVE the VALUES (the behaviors that Bob valued in Sex experiences) on an ongoing basis, even without a current love or sex partner.</span></div>
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<strong><u><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">HOW TO ACHIEVE THE VALUES OF SEX AND LOVE IN YOUR DAILY LIFE:</span></u></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Bob and I worked together to identify what he stood for in SEX and LOVE. We identified the elements that defined what VALUES he was living when he was a lover or partner. We came up with a list of VALUES that, once identified, allowed Bob to feel enriched and fulfilled daily. Certainly, we continued to pursue the actual GOAL of Sex/Love but also found ways for Bob to fulfill those deeper VALUES on the way to the GOAL.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><u><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR SEX/LOVE VALUES ARE?</span></u></strong><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">One way to do this is to ask, 'if your lover(s) were to talk about you as a lover, what would be the qualities you would want them to say you had?' There's no defined limit on the qualities that YOU may wish to have in your behavior but let’s look at a few that MIGHT come up: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">VALUED ways of behaving: </span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">sensitivity<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">anticipation of needs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Playful teasing <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Gentle but firm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Animal passion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Vulnerable<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Connected<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Love/Tenderness<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Sexual/Sensual<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">WAYS TO LIVE VALUES ON A DAILY BASIS</span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Sensitivity</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. really listening to someone's emotions and needs. (not multi-tasking)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. giving a phone call to people to say thinking of them<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Teasing, making people laugh<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. Promoting and uplifting people, believing in their best<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. Helping others in need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">f. offering others physical comfort, soothing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">g. asking people what I can do for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">h. staying aware of my own emotions and sensations (i.e. sober)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span class="gr-progress" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anticipation</span> of needs</b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. Asking others what they are seeking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Noticing when someone needs something that they don’t have<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Asking if I can help<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Playful teasing</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. Playful attitude<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Humorously challenging people's perceived limitations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Not giving people what they want immediately, teasing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. role playing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. improvisation<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">f. finding humor in others (in a non-demeaning manner)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Gentle but firm</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. showing commitment despite frustration or irritation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. showing love to friends and relations (while setting behavioral limits)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Animal passion</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. When alone, sensually stimulating self<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Jumping into role playing/improvising with full commitment to character<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Passionately cleaning my home while playing intense music<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. Dancing, alone or with others<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. Singing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">f. writing a story about something you feel strongly about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">g. Spontaneously telling people when you find them beautiful, attractive, intelligent, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">h. Diplomatically telling people what you want from them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Vulnerable</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. Telling people how I feel (not everyone or everywhere)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Letting others know how they affect me. (positive and negative)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Letting others know my positive feelings for them<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. Admitting my emotions to myself and allowing them to exist (not running, avoiding, squashing)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Connected</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. Calling others on the phone. (Family, Friends)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. inviting others out to coffee, dinner, movies, comedy, bowling, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Going to a meetup<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. Dancing with someone<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. Telling others how I see them, what they mean to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Love/Tenderness</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. Letting others know how special they are, how much I believe in them, how much they mean to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Taking the time to listen to others concerns and see things from their perspective.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Caressing, massaging myself in a way that shows care, concern, appreciation<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. petting an animal<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. hugging and kissing those that I love and are close to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">f. Giving myself a warm bath, a cup of tea, clean clothes, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Dance/Flow</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. noticing how I move through the world and interact with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Dancing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. Singing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. Engaging in the five senses: noticing 3 things I see, hear, taste, touch, smell<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e. Savoring living like savoring a fine wine. Enjoying the sensations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Sensual/Sexual</span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">a. wear clothes that feel sexy to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">b. Take diligent care of hygiene<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">c. sleep enough<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">d. touch self with sensual touch<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">e</span>. take myself out to a nice dinner<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">f. Light a candle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">g. play sensual music<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">h. dancing alone or with others<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">i. allow myself to feel sexually towards others in front of me, smiling, glancing, etc.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Recognizing deeper VALUES beneath your GOALS allows you to find multiple ways to achieve those values daily, while still pursuing your GOALS. Thus, happiness is not exclusively tied to GOALS. Happiness comes from fulfilling VALUES, even in small ways daily.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Hope this helps you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">© 2018 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://www.affinitytherapyservices.com/">www.affinitytherapyservices.com</a> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="mailto:info@affinitytherapyservices.com">info@affinitytherapyservices.com</a> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-56785533224897447812018-05-11T10:30:00.001-07:002018-05-16T10:16:51.287-07:00THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VALUES and GOALS<em><u><strong><br /></strong></u></em> <em><u><strong><br /></strong></u></em>
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<em><u><strong>The Difference Between VALUES and GOALS</strong></u></em></div>
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VALUES as defined in ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) means: DESIRED QUALITIES OF ACTION. Values are Qualities I want to bring to my actions right now and on an ongoing basis.<br />
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How do you want to treat yourself?<br />
Your body?<br />
Others?<br />
The World around you?<br />
Your house?<br />
Anyone? Anything?<br />
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What are the QUALITIES you want to embody?<br />
What sort of person do you want to be? What kind of father, son, mate, husband, wife, daughter, mother, co-worker, supervisor do you want to be?<br />
What do you want to stand for in life? Model for yourself and others?<br />
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VALUES motivate you to do the hard work necessary to achieve your Goals and to make Decisions in order to achieve those Goals.<br />
Usually achieving something that meshes with your Values exposes you to difficulties and challenges.<br />
VALUES inspire and infuse your life with MEANING and PURPOSE.<br />
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VALUES are not GOALS.<br />
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GOALS are what you want to GET or HAVE, achieve...complete..<br />
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VALUES are how you want to BEHAVE every step of the way towards pursuing, achieving, not achieving your goal...<br />
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GOOD HEALTH is a GOAL (you can measure achievement or non-achievement)<br />
At times the GOAL may be unattainable (recovery from cancer, illness) but the VALUE of self-care or self-nurture or TAKING CARE of SELF, that is a Value you can pursue while dealing with challenges to the GOAL.<br />
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'Thou Shalt Not Kill' is not a VALUE, that's a COMMANDMENT.<br />
The value underneath that Commandment is CARE or LOVE for HUMAN LIFE.<br />
You're probably not talking about VALUES if you cannot say it in one word. LOVING, JUSTICE, FAIRNESS, HONESTY, CREATIVITY, CONNECTION, OPENNESS, ADVENTUROUSNESS...etc<br />
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If its lots of words its probably a rule, belief system, judgment of right and wrong...<br />
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© 2018 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT<br />
<a href="http://www.affinitytherapyservices.com/">www.affinitytherapyservices.com</a>affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-78198009660132771202018-05-11T10:15:00.000-07:002018-05-12T22:12:55.781-07:00DATING, MATING, COUPLES COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL MEDIA<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><u><strong><br /></strong></u></span> <span style="font-size: 14pt;"><u><strong><br /></strong></u></span>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><u><strong><br /></strong></u></span> <span style="font-size: 14pt;"><u><strong><br /></strong></u></span> <span style="font-size: 14pt;"><u><strong>DATING, MATING, COUPLES COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL MEDIA</strong></u></span><br />
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“My boyfriend is upset because I checked my Facebook after sex.”<br />
“That was a fun first date. I’m going to post the pictures on Instagram.”<br />
“I’m just going to check her phone while she’s in the shower.”<br />
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Does this sound familiar? Is Social Media affecting Romance?<br />
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Indeed, electronic communication has truly infiltrated every nook and cranny of our lives, replacing even tobacco or alcohol as a ‘feel good’ reinforcer. Anybody remember the afterglow cigarette?<br />
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The social and emotional reinforcement of Social Media and electronic communication is changing couple’s interactions and communication. In fact, it's leading many to interact electronically before, during and after connecting with their dates and mates.<br />
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In my private practice as a licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist I see the daily effects of Social Media use on communication, both good and bad. Here are some of the pitfalls and solutions of Electronic and Social Media in Coupledom:<br />
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<ul>
<li>David found out that Susan was still following her ex-lover Matt on Facebook and Instagram. What should David do? Following an ex on social media does present some sticky issues. Does Susan still have feelings for her old flame? Is she hoping to get back together with him? Isn't David right to follow his suspicions?</li>
<li>Mark likes to look at Steven's phone when he's in the shower. He's snooping for clues. Doesn't Mark have the right to know?</li>
<li>Debra is eager to check her phone within minutes after sex with Chase. What's wrong with that?</li>
<li>Jenny posted pictures of her first date with Charles all over Facebook and Instagram and asked her friends for their opinions. Charles, a very private person, didn't appreciate this and didn’t call for a second date. Wasn't Jenny in the right?</li>
<li>Anne is upset with Tom because he didn’t post anything about their one-year anniversary on social media and has never announced their relationship in any way on his Instagram account. Doesn’t Anne have a solid case?</li>
<li>Lorie uses meal time with Tina to discuss who did and didn't like her most recent posts on Facebook and continues to check her homepage repeatedly throughout dinner. Isn't that ok?</li>
<li>Vicky has a problem with Brice, her new boyfriend. He doesn’t like the fact that Vicky remains Facebook friends with her ex-boyfriend. It's not fair. She believes that cutting off supportive people to please Brice is completely irrational. What to do?</li>
</ul>
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In each one of these situations, there's room for a conversation about how each individual--and how the couple--interacts with Social Media.<br />
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<br />
<strong>DISSATISFACTION AND DISTURBANCE:</strong><br />
Most of the communication problems couples encounter stem from 2 different problems<br />
<br />
1. Dissatisfaction<br />
2. Disturbance.<br />
When one or both members of a couple are <em>dissatisfied </em>with a behavior, they often, not always, additionally become <em>disturbed</em> by the problem.<br />
<br />
It's often the Disturbance over the Dissatisfaction that leads to couple’s communication problems.<br />
Whether by text, email, Skype, Zoom, phone or face to face, the biggest problems couples face are thinking problems.<br />
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<br />
<strong>MARY AND JOHN—TEXTING SILENCE:</strong><br />
Let's say for example that Mary's boyfriend John doesn't text for 2 hours after she's sent him what she believes to be a lighthearted, fun, loving text suggesting a special dinner next weekend. Mary is Dissatisfied. The 2-hour silence can be deafening for some people. But beyond Dissatisfaction, Mary may also be having some Disturbance i.e. distorted thoughts. The number of distorted thoughts that take place in 2 hours could probably fill an entire hard drive:<br />
<br />
Why isn't he writing back?<br />
What is he thinking?<br />
He resents me for suggesting a restaurant that's expensive. Why is he so cheap?<br />
He doesn't know how to communicate.<br />
He should have written to me by now.<br />
What’s his problem?<br />
<br />
Now you might say "boy, can I relate" or you might say "what's her problem?"<br />
In reality, her problem is a common one that we all share from time to time.<br />
It’s a problem known as Disturbance or cognitive distortion, or in common parlance "twisted thinking."<br />
<br />
Twisted thinking often leads us to negative behaviors, like accusation, like stonewalling (keeping the other person at arm's length, not communicating).<br />
<br />
Now Mary may, in fact, have a reasonable dissatisfaction with John, knowing that John is not working today and has his cell phone with him. She may guess that he's being irresponsible, or communicating through silence. But the fact is, she doesn't know.<br />
<br />
If she acts out of her Twisted Thinking, she's going to 'jump the gun' and start acting angry or needy or jealous or demanding. John may, in fact, be irresponsible or less involved with texting than Mary and/or may have his phone on silent for any number of reasons. Either way, Mary doesn't have evidence of John doing anything wrong other than preventing her from receiving an instantaneous response to her query.<br />
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<b>HEALTHY WAYS TO RESPOND:</b><br />
<b><br /></b> So, let's look at 2 scenarios:<br />
1. John is being irresponsible or lackadaisical in his responses.<br />
2. John is very busy but hasn't shared his schedule with Mary and thus is not able to discuss weekend restaurants.<br />
<br />
In Scenario 1, Mary has a few reasonable alternatives.<br />
1. She can wait till she and John get together and discuss a general guideline for texting together including statements like 'can’t talk right now, will talk later.'<br />
2. She can look for ways to 'talk herself down' and look for counter-evidence for her twisted thinking<br />
For Example:<br />
"John and I never discussed rules for texting, so I can’t expect him to meet guidelines we never agreed upon."<br />
"John could be out of range, could have no battery, could have his phone off or on silent, either way, I can live with his late communication and talk to him later about time-related issues and texting."<br />
"John and I have a great relationship in many respects, so this one problem is not a make or break issue."<br />
"I cannot read John's mind or intentions, so I'll assume there is no meaning here until I discover one."<br />
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<b>PERSONAL DEMANDINGNESS:</b><br />
<br />
But even deeper than these rational arguments against assumptions is the need for individuals, especially those in relationships, to look at Personal Demandingness.<br />
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Personal Demandingness generally comes in 3 forms and is discussed at length in the works of Ellis, Burns and other CBT pioneers.<br />
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The 3 forms of Demandingness are:<br />
1. I must be perfect<br />
2. He/She/They must be nice or fair to me.<br />
3. The world should be an easy place to live in.<br />
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It's very likely at times that one or both members of a couple will have these thoughts and believe them very strongly. In this case, it may be the 2nd belief "He should treat me fairly" that may cause Mary to act irrationally and send out a blisteringly angry text to John.<br />
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But, you say to yourself, John SHOULD, in fact, treat Mary fairly.<br />
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Au contraire...<br />
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In the real world, the words <em>must</em> and <em>should</em> generally only apply to legal and judicial rules. Even then, people often defy and violate these rules (often with consequences). But this only proves my point. People are free to behave poorly, irrationally, meanly, inappropriately.<br />
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By demanding that our mates behave in fine, upstanding manner at all times, we can easily sabotage a generally positive, functional, fun relationship. People can, and often do, let us down. The sooner we can convince Mary that this is the case, the more likely it is that she will talk rationally to herself, recognize if she's saying John should be fairer, and de-escalate her anger.<br />
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She can then set up a time to try to change John's behavior but there's still no guarantee that he will always and forever follow the guidelines they set up.<br />
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Often, however, couples will make each problematic interaction a Zero-Sum Game, meaning every displeasure, every conflict has the ability to create relationship Armageddon--total destruction of the couple.<br />
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<br />
<strong>WHEN HARRY FACE-TIMED SALLY</strong><br />
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Harry insists that Sally gets on Facetime with him whenever he commands it. Harry is concerned that Sally is not where she says she is and that Sally is possibly cheating on him.<br />
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Now Harry could be right. Sally might be cheating on him. But if he has no evidence regarding this, then Harry's behavior comes off as demanding and controlling.<br />
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Now Sally, if she's truly calm and rational, might put up with Harry's irrational demands and Facetime him. But she may also decide that Harry is expecting too much and decide not to participate in his demand.<br />
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What would be more constructive is for Harry to first determine--is there actual evidence that Sally is cheating on me? And if there is none, 'why must I have a guarantee that Sally isn't cheating on me?'<br />
The demand to know instantly and always where Sally is and what she is doing really points to 3 possible Personal Demands--<br />
<ul>
<li>'She must be fair to me'</li>
<li>'the world should be a fair place.'</li>
<li>"I must never be cheated on and I must know it before it takes place."</li>
</ul>
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Finally, Harry may also be doing a nasty bit of business known as Self-Rating. This is the activity of rating yourself based on who does or doesn't love you, who does or doesn't reject you, who does or doesn't cheat on you.<br />
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If your self-esteem--your value-to-yourself--is dependent on your status with a loved one, with their opinion or behavior or emotions, you are doomed to a roller coaster of emotions. Yes, you get the excitement when they tell you they love you and only you. BUT you also get the doom and gloom and self-downing when you don't get approval, excitement, or loyalty that your self-rating demands.<br />
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In addition, when your Self-Rating is tied to the lover or potential lover's ideas, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, you can easily fall into Other Rating; If Harry's self-value is tied to Sally's loyalty he may also decide that Sally is, in fact, an awful, terrible, despicable person, or not even human for 'lowering his value'. This, in turn, might allow Harry to act even more irrationally as he may then Other Rate Sally and see her as evil, garbage, sub human--because he allows her behavior to negatively affect his self-esteem, self-rating and now she must pay!<br />
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So, it’s important for individuals who are dating and mating to stay aware of their potential self-rating and tying self-rating to a desired or loved one's opinions, feelings and behaviors.<br />
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If Harry does, in fact, find that Sally is cheating, or that Sally is constantly out of communication and unable to account for her whereabouts, he can RATIONALLY decide that the costs of the relationship outweigh the benefits, or he could decide to have an open relationship. Either way, it's beneficial for Harry to separate his value as a human being from Sally's behavior or opinions or her decision to take another lover. THAT is true freedom<br />
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Now Harry may not be this twisted in his thinking but even if he is quite irrational in his thought process, as a couples therapist, I want to know that Sally is able to stay rational and avoid Harry's irrational thoughts or accusations to trigger her own irrational thoughts.<br />
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Some irrational thoughts, disturbances, that come from living with or relating to a lover who is thinking irrationally include:<br />
He must not think irrationally<br />
He must not make demands on me.<br />
He shouldn't be so controlling or demanding.<br />
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And while we may agree with Sally that it is highly annoying, irritating and undesirable to be partnered with someone who is thinking irrationally, it is not an absolute that the other person ALWAYS be rational. The demand for rationality <em>at all times</em> in a partner, friend or lover, is in itself highly irrational. To be human is to err. We are all fallible human beings and have brains that sometimes get things wrong.<br />
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Sally would be better off rationally appraising this fact and seeing if she can assist Harry on her own or with therapeutic assistance, to think more rationally. If not, she is free to make a rational decision to end the relationship when the costs outweigh the benefits.<br />
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Couples are better off recognizing Personal Demandingness, creating rational, positive self-talk to contradict their irrational thoughts and calming themselves before working on any conflict resolution about Communication.<br />
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Of course, as a licensed psychotherapist, I highly recommend high flexibility in couples, even when communication guidelines are agreed upon. The key to a successful relationship, in addition to working on a fair social exchange, is high flexibility.<br />
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The positive secondary benefit to relationships when people avoid Self Rating and Other Rating, as well as Demandingness, is that they are less possessive, less needy, less demanding with their partners and encourage flexibility, spontaneity, and freedom in their relationships. So often the result is that they become MORE desirable by being less needy and demanding. That's a win-win!<br />
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<strong>SOCIAL MEDIA/ELECTRONIC MEDIA GROUND RULES:</strong><br />
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<br />
Of course, there are no rules that are so universal they can be applied to EVERY couple, but here are some guidelines that some of my psychotherapy clients have established to keep their relationship out of the Social Media graveyard:<br />
<br />
1. Always talk as if you are in front of a judge. If you would not feel comfortable making a statement, live, in person, in front of a judicial official-a judge-then its best to avoid saying it online, on email or on text.<br />
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2. Always imagine that your partner, lover, date, mate is standing beside you and that you are communicating LIVE with people.<br />
Would he/she appreciate you complimenting your ex's new physique after their recent diet?<br />
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3. Phone free time--whether its meals, 10 minutes before or after bedroom intimacy, or just an afternoon getaway, make time for electronic break times.<br />
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4. Create Good Vibrations by turning your phones to vibrate or silent--turn off notifications from social media.<br />
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5. Have a 'Private Conversation.' It's always a good idea to check on privacy concerns before posting info about your partner or posting about you and your partner as a couple.<br />
Discuss comfort level with social media--how open is the other person. If there is no agreement, always go with the more cautious approach.<br />
<br />
6. Milestone announcements: How important is it to your partner that you announce important moments in your lives like anniversaries, births etc.? Remember not everyone agrees that their lives should be made public. Not everyone wants various aspects of their lives or activities on display. This does not automatically indicate suspicious behavior. It can mean that the person has a career or ambitions that would be affected by public perception, or that they don’t identify social media as any kind of validation of the value of their day to day lives and that they desire more personal communication than social media offers.<br />
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7. Complete transparency: Some couples decide to give one another their passcodes and let their partner have complete access to their phone and online communications. If that works for you, go for it! However, if you still feel that everyone in the relationship has a right to some privacy, make that known. But if you don’t vote for transparency together and f you must SPY on your partner's phone behavior, that’s grist for the personal conversation mill. There needs to be a conversation about trust and fidelity.<br />
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8. UNFOLLOW: Some couples decide to unfollow one another or not to follow each other at all. Thus, they avoid the constant critique of the other's commentary on pictures or output. As Khalil Gibran said, 'let there be spaces in your togetherness.'<br />
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9: BE CURIOUS not ACCUSATORY: Take a neutral, inquisitive stance when you see something that looks 'suspicious.' Your partner is now tweeting with a woman you both met at a party? Okay, look before you leap. Check in with him in a neutral way, try to keep the anger or panic out of your voice and ask about it.<br />
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10. Accept Fallibility: Assume that at some point, one or both of you may feel hurt because of your partners online behavior. Try journaling on what your partner actually did, not what you believe their intention was, and identify if you are saying anything to yourself that may have no supporting evidence.<br />
Then once you have a clear idea of what is upsetting you, again, approach your partner in a neutral, curious manner, without accusation or assumption. Have a talk about online behavior and expectations.<br />
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11. Ask for Change: You may ask your partner to alter or delete some posts or to unfollow someone. However, avoid absolutistic demands, that your partner must, should, ought to, has to do as you say. Try to maintain some flexibility in your approach and help your partner see the effect of their behavior on your thoughts and feelings. Together you can work towards a solution that allows for both boundaries and freedom.<br />
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12. Evaluate your Relationship to Social Media: It's very important that you look at any irrational demands you have about Social Media. In particular, try to answer these questions:<br />
Why must people LIKE my posts?<br />
Why must I show people what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, what I'm thinking?<br />
Why must I consistently check my social media for responses?<br />
Why must my date/mate recognize, acknowledge, identify our relationship activities, their feelings for me etc on Social Media?<br />
<br />
It's okay to enjoy being LIKED, Followed and responded to, and it’s okay to enjoy sharing aspects of your life with other people. What can cause problems however is the NEED, COMMAND, DEMAND that you are liked, followed, responded to. It’s also problematic if you feel sad, depressed, anxious, panicked because of other's response or lack of response, other's posts or lack of posts.<br />
<br />
So be on the lookout for these demands:<br />
<ul>
<li>I must be liked, followed, responded to...</li>
<li>Other people must post about me and our relationship.</li>
<li>I must appear perfect to others online.</li>
</ul>
<br />
In particular be on the lookout for Self-Rating, Self Judgement, Self-Devaluing because of your or anyone else's online behavior. Your VALUE does not rise or fall based on Social Media. In fact, your VALUE as a human being does not rise or fall at all. Contrary to popular opinion, you are born with VALUE and you live and die with VALUE. It cannot be increased or decreased by you or others. Not by opinion, consensus, or protest.<br />
<br />
To quote Desiderata (Max Ehrmann):<br />
“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.<br />
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© 2018 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT<br />
<a href="http://www.affinitytherapyservices.com/">www.affinitytherapyservices.com</a>affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3023410574985524326.post-60323488295068049652018-05-10T16:45:00.001-07:002018-05-12T09:39:16.916-07:00When a Friend’s Mother has Passed Away near Mother’s Day<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">When a Friend’s Mother has Passed Away near Mother’s Day</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Sometimes, the death of a loved one occurs on or around a significant holiday: Valentine’s Day, a Birthday, Father’s Day or Mother’s Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may know someone who is suffering this Mother’s Day because of the loss of a parent. As a licensed psychotherapist, I have helped my patients with the grief and the loss of the most primary relationships in their lives. From this work, I offer you several important tips to helping a friend with the loss of their mother as Mother’s Day approaches.<o:p></o:p><br />
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You might notice your friend being very quiet or avoiding people altogether. They might be taking a sick day. At the same time, you may be celebrating your own mom’s Mother’s Day. You may be honoring your own mother with pictures and thoughts on social media. The same social media in which your friend participates.<o:p></o:p></div>
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How do you offer support and encouragement to a close friend in these circumstances?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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There are practical things you can do. Here's a short list:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>OFFER SUPPORT:</b><br />
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First, you may want to check in with your friend before Mother’s Day to say to them, “I know your mom recently passed, is there any way I can support you this week?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Your friend may have little to say, may still be grieving and may not even know how they can be best supported.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that case, feel free to ask your friend “Is it okay for me to drop by and spend some time with you? When are you free?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Another way to assist your friend is to let them know “if you want to share your feelings, your thoughts or anything else with me, I want you to do it. Even if you just want to call and talk about something else, I’m here for you.”<br />
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Many people have conflicted feelings about their relationship with their mothers. They may feel some disappointment in the way their mother lived her life, or in the way their mother interacted with them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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You can share with your friend “Hey, I know me and my mom had our tough times. If you’re having any thoughts or feelings, positive or negative, about your Mom or yourself, I’m open to listening to you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s okay as a friend to not have the answers. You don’t need to have any solution and can simply empathize with having the problem. Simply stating, “I hear you…that’s hard…that must have been difficult…I’m so sorry that happened to you.” can be enough.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We don’t have to whitewash someone’s life simply because of their death.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s okay for your friend to have mixed feelings or even anger towards their deceased parent. Feelings are not facts and they can change over time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>CONDOLENCES AND TOKENS OF APPRECIATION:</b></div>
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Sending a handwritten condolence card goes much further than posting condolences online. It says, “I took the time to find this card, handwrite my thoughts and mail it to you rather than jetting off a few sentences online.” </div>
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You might even decide to send a small gift of food or flowers to let your friend know you care.</div>
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In this day of electronic communication, a ‘real-life’ communication speaks volumes about your feelings for someone.</div>
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<b>REFRAMING FOR THE POSITIVE:</b></div>
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If you didn’t’ know your friend’s mother very well, you can ask “Would it be ok to ask you a few questions about your mom?” If they consent, you can ask “What are some of the positive ways your mom affected you or the lives of others?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet another way that you can be supportive is to ask, “Can I tell you some positive things I remember about your mom?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Still another way to be supportive is to tell your friend “Can I tell you some positive things I see in you and your life that I think might have been influenced by your mom?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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You might also ask your friend, is it alright if I share your loss on Social Media?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you like to keep this private?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may appreciate the thoughts of others but not have the energy to post it themselves so that others may support them. Of course, honor their request for privacy if they request it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>RE-EVALUATING VALUES</b></div>
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Reminding your friend of the positive Values their parent stood for may be another method to helping them. Values are not morals or commandments but rather operating principles for a persons life. Values can range from Adventure to Honesty to Compassion to Humor and many, many more.</div>
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If your friend cannot think of their parent's Values and how they embodied them, try to elicit your friends own personal Values for their own life. In many respects, Death forces us to think about the finality of our lives and to e-valu-ate our way of living. This may be a good time to help your friend re-focus on their Values. One good way to elicit Values is to ask your friend 'how would you like to be remembered many years in the future? When they identify them, ask them 'are you living your Values?' If not, you can ask 'what can you do this week, something small, that would move you in the direction of your Values?'</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">HELPING YOUR FRIEND TO THINK RATIONALLY ABOUT THEIR LOSS<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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It’s important to remember the 3 main distorted thoughts that humans have when confronted with difficult circumstances in life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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These thoughts are:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<li>I should be perfect</li>
<li>She should have treated me nicely and fairly</li>
<li>The world should be an easy place for me to live in.</li>
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These distorted thoughts can easily arise in the wake of a loved one’s death.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p><b>I SHOULD BE PERFECT:</b></o:p></div>
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'I should be perfect' is an insidious thought that hides in other kinds of thoughts and feelings—thoughts like--</div>
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I should have been a better son/daughter. </div>
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I should have said I love you before she died.</div>
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I should have visited her more often. </div>
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I should have seen her medical problems earlier. </div>
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I should have saved her. </div>
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I should have been kinder, more understanding.</div>
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And because I didn’t do any or all these things, I am a low-down, dirty, awful, terrible human being. I’m essentially rotten garbage.</div>
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These kinds of thoughts, if left undisputed, usually result in a feeling of low self-worth, low self-esteem, shame, self judgement, self-condemnation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you see your friend reacting in this self-condemning way, try to gently ask them—'if I had done something similar, if I hadn’t been perfect for my mother, would you judge me as a rotten person?’<o:p></o:p></div>
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Most friends will demur and tell you that they’d never treat you that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If so, you can ask them 'Why do I get better treatment than you do? Why would you give me compassion and understanding and not give the same to yourself? You’re imperfect, so am I. Lets find a way for you to give some of that understanding to yourself.’<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you think that their parent had some kindness in them, you can also ask 'if your mom has a consciousness right now, wherever she is, do you think she would want you to suffer right now?'</div>
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<o:p><b>I MUST SUFFER GREATLY:</b></o:p></div>
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Another reason that people often torture themselves about the death of a loved one is the belief that if they don’t suffer greatly, the lack of suffering also makes them a ‘bad person.’ They believe that if they don’t feel awful, miserable, terrible that they are not properly honoring the loss of their parent.<o:p></o:p></div>
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You can gently ask them “Wouldn’t your parent have the goal of you being a happy person?” If the answer is no (which sometimes it can be) you can ask them, ‘do you believe that a parent’s wish for their child to suffer is a worthy parenting goal?’<o:p></o:p></div>
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You can help your friend by reminding them that there are other rituals that can allow them to honor the life of their parent—visiting the burial site, lighting a candle at their place of worship, prayer, donations of time or money to a worthy cause in honor of their parent. Using artistic, creative expression in paint, music, or writing in honor of the parent.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p><b>SHE SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER:</b></o:p></div>
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This thought, a variant on 'she should have been nicer or fairer to me' can also cause unnecessary upset when held onto in a rigid fashion. When your friend holds this belief they are essentially saying, 'My mom should have been a different person than who she was. She should have behaved differently. She should have apologized and made true amends to me. Because she acted unfairly she was an awful, terrible human being.' The usual result of this is deep resentment, anger, rage. In this maelstrom of emotions, people can act out, behave compulsively with substances, food, sex.</div>
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If your friend is holding a grudge against their deceased parent, it’s a tough situation. They may have genuine, legitimate reasons to feel mistreated or abused. In these situations, its not always the death of the parent but the death of the possibility of reconciliation, of rapprochement and apology from the offending parent. The possibility has died along with the person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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At these times, its important to help your friend separate the poor behavior of the parent from your friends own self-worth, self-evaluation. Often when a parent mistreats a child, the child secretly harbors the idea that the parent didn’t find the child worthy of respect, and by extension, that the child was not actually valuable. They may internalize this as a belief that they are of low value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Otherwise, why would a sane parent mistreat them?<o:p></o:p><br />
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Well, the reason people mistreat others is often due to irrational thoughts and beliefs and sometimes, organic brain dysfunction. Even if the parent did in fact judge their child as unworthy of love, as a low-value human being, it is not an actual reflection of real value. It is a direct result of the parent’s distorted thoughts and resulting negative actions. Helping your friend to see that their parent suffered from thinking problems may take some of the sting out of the friend’s belief that their parent willfully and rationally decided to mistreat them.<o:p></o:p><br />
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A rational parent acts in a manner that will best assist their child in functioning in the real world; a manner that helps that child succeed in work, love and play. Any behavior that puts the future welfare of the child at risk is irrational, i.e. the result of distorted thoughts and subsequent irrational behaviors.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Letting your friend know that their perceptions of mistreatment may in fact be accurate and supporting the idea that it would have been better had these things not happened goes a long way to salving that wound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But agreeing that someone is evil and worthless and worthy of hatred may not assist your friend in moving forward. So, strive to be empathic without demeaning or awfulizing their deceased parent as a human being.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p><b>THIS WORLD IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO LIVE IN:</b></o:p></div>
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Finally, your friend may look at the death of their parent as proof that the world is an awful, terrible place to live. They may feel their parent’s life was cut short, or that the parent didn’t get a fair shake in life. Or that your friend was shortchanged by the parent’s life and/or death.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It is true that life is often unfair and filled with difficulties. However, in our modern world, people often forget this fact and come to believe that life should in fact be easy. It was not long ago, however, that people’s lives were significantly harder, and the thought of hardship was not foreign to many.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Electricity, indoor plumbing, electronic communication, medical advances, transportation—all these areas have become incredibly less difficult in a very short period of human history. Before recent times, many people died young, had difficult occupations, unsanitary living conditions and often uncomfortable life situations. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet the modern man-made advances have made life so much more comfortable that now ‘ease and comfort’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>are assumed to be the way life SHOULD be—easy, convenient, no muss-no fuss. But these standards of living are quite recent and obfuscate the fact that in other respects life can in fact be challenging and difficult.</div>
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As a friend, simply acknowledging that ‘yes, life is difficult and no, it’s not always easy’ can help to soothe the suffering of a friend who has lost their mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is both sweet and bitter. One cannot exist without the other.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>SECONDARY SHAME:</b></div>
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Last but not least, your friend may be secondarily shaming themselves for having the emotional reactions they have. People can shame themselves for:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<li>Feeling too much</li>
<li>Not feeling enough</li>
<li>Feeling angry</li>
<li>Feeling scared</li>
<li>Feeling sad</li>
<li>Feeling happy or relieved</li>
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Help your friend by letting them know ‘there is no perfect or correct way’ to react to loss. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people feel numb, some people feel highly emotional and yes, some feel a strange sense of relief—their parent may have been suffering or their parent may have been highly critical and demanding. Either way, non-judgmental support is what your friend needs right now.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, this Mother’s Day, if you know someone who is thinking about their mother who has passed on, reach out and offer your compassion, your time and your friendship. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And don’t be afraid to offer lots of hugs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The human touch is powerful and transformative.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Happy Mother’s Day to All<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p>Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT</o:p></div>
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<o:p><a href="http://www.affinitytherapyservices.com/">www.affinitytherapyservices.com</a> </o:p><br />
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affinitytherapyserviceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13004690643855045150noreply@blogger.com0